Desperation

I love to learn new things.  I am not just speaking of information and data that I would eat up and spit back out, but I am talking of the things that change me.  I am talking about meaty doctrine. I am talking about that which I can come and eat and drink without price.

Isn't it interesting that we live in a world of fast everything?!  Fast food, sound bytes, cyber space and text messaging.  Though they come to us fast, they do not have any lasting results. I want something that has more substance than a quick fix, a standard answer, a rapid response.  I want the real thing.

I believe when we learn to love the fast, it is because that which we will be digesting will be delicious to the taste, beneficial to the heart, strengthening to the might, and enlightening to the mind; it  will certainly strengthen the soul.  No wonder we are asked to give our all to God.  In exchange we are asking for something that would nourish every part of us our being.

I have been thinking a great deal of my desire to draw closer to my Savior.  It has been over a year now since I had the experience of being told that there would be no food that would ever satisfy me again.  I am living that truth every day of my life with every bite of food I eat. Don’t get me wrong, I am still eating and in need of physical nourishment.   But I am aware that the feelings in my body and my soul are crying out to me for more, much much more. I feel desperate.

Now this desperation has gone deep into my soul.  I awoke this morning thinking about desperation.  I was looking for examples of people I could identify with who had experienced desperation.  Who were they?

The woman with the issue of blood came to my mind.  She was definitely desperate.  For over 2 decades she had reached out for medicine; solutions and remedies to her problem. She saw a great many doctors in her time. Her illness had taken its toll on her worldly wealth and definitely on her physical strength. 

As a woman, I must assume her sickness had also taken a toll on her physical relationship with her husband.  He is never mentioned in the story, but for her to have money on her own in that era would have been rare.  I too have had difficulties with my health that have taken a huge toll on my marriage, so I can only assume she has felt this sadness.  It also occurred during her fertile years.  Perhaps she was never able to conceive children.  What a horrible thing for a Hebrew woman to experience.  There was no shame like that of being barren in that culture. With all these possible underlying issues, it is easy to understand why she was so desperate to reach an end to her misery.  This desperation is shown in her determination to fend off the press of the crowd to reach the Savior. Can you only imagine how focused she must have been? Clearly she had thought this thing through in her mind. If only she could merely touch the hem of his robe. Her faith was that great.   He felt her need.  She felt His mighty healing power. 

In the Book of Mormon you can read about the father of King Lamoni (we never know his actual name) who, after receiving some instruction in a highly unorthodox fashion, comes to his senses. (God gets our attention in so many powerful and effective ways.) He wants to learn more about this mighty doctrine of God.  After additional tutoring,  the great king proclaims, “I will give up all my sins to know God.”  Sounds pretty desperate to me.

I have thought often of my feelings of hunger when I even contemplate the fast.  How desperate am I for an answer to prayer?  How anxious am I for a solution to my problem?  How willing am I to put on the altar a sacrifice before I begin my prayer to God?  And now I am contemplating how desperate I am to give away all my sins to know God, to give up my long search for a remedy of my pains, my illnesses, my sadness.  I am becoming desperate.  And I wonder that He lovingly commands us to fast?

I am discovering in the process of choosing to fast and pray that I have decided to give up ALL my sins to know God, even if I don't know what they are.